Fatigue

Posted: January 16, 2008 in Goals, Homelessness, Hopes, Housing, Self Esteem

Being homeless isn’t easy. There is always the stress of worrying about getting something to eat and having a place to sleep. Most shelters don’t have enough beds to accommodate all of their area’s homeless which means that there are going to be people who will have to sleep out of doors somewhere.

Being transitionally homeless had it’s own set of obstacles to overcome.  

While, for the most part, you don’t really have to worry about where you’re going to sleep, there is always the overshadowing knowledge that it is possible to outstay your welcome. Knowing that makes a transitionally homeless person all that more frantic to find a place of their own.

That’s the position I find myself at present.

I don’t have to worry about whether there are any available beds at the homeless shelter. At the same time, I’m not in a place that I can call my own yet. That means, I’m still really at the mercy of someone else. Although it is a step up in the right direction, I’m acutely aware that my current "residential status" is precarious at best.

In many ways, being transitionally homeless is a bit more stressful – at least for me – than being simply homeless. There is the underlying knowledge that I’m still just a guest. This causes me to feel a bit confined as to my comings and goings.

I didn’t notice it at first. I was just glad to get out of the tent I’d been living in for nearly a year. It felt good to know that the roof over my head wasn’t made of nylon. It was nice to have an actually door to close every night. But as the days have turned into weeks, and as I have sought to find a more stable solution to my own homelessness I’ve experienced a different type of frustration than I had previously.

Much of it I’m sure has to do with my feelings of being an imposition on someone else. An offer had been made to provide me with shelter. I accepted. There had been no mention of time limits. In fact, quite the opposite. Still, there is this nagging in the back of my mind that has been keeping a track of just how long I’ve been "transitionally" homeless now.

It isn’t that I haven’t been working toward finding a place to call my own. It isn’t that I haven’t managed to keep getting enough work to keep me busy. I have. I’m certainly not in the position to buy a place to live, so I know that I’m going to have to find a place to rent. But, the price of rentals has gone up quite a bit in the last six months or so. That’s making it harder to find a place to live.

What it comes down to is that right now I’m like a duck on a pond. On the surface, nothing much seems to be happening. But, beneath the scenes I’m paddling just as fast as I can. There are times though, when it seems like I’m swimming against the current.

There are definitely times when I feel like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back. It’s not the least bit enjoyable. In fact, it’s actually emotionally draining. And, I’m noticing that it’s causing me to feel fatigued most of the time. Definitely not good.

At this point however, I have no choice but to keeping putting one foot in front of the other with the hope of getting somewhere in life.

It’s taken me quite a bit longer than I anticipated it would when I first became homeless. The journey has been long and painstaking. The progress has many times seemed non-existent. And, while I’m ashamed to admit this, there have been times when I’ve just wanted to give up. I felt that way as recently as last night.

Hopefully today will be a better day.

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Comments
  1. A.Perez says:

    I am sad, worrying 24 hours a day since many of my American friends can be homeless in a near future. They are middle class, some from the military and are losing their homes, thousands of foreclosures all over the country, his kids getting the worst education, being bullied in public schools.

    No jobs in Michigan, Ohio, Florida, recession hitting US and there is nothing that the government can do to prevent this. Is too late. The cost of living is skyrocketing, price of oil, housing, transportation, I had to relocate to Panama then to South America, friendly people, fantastic food, beautiful, unspoiled landscapes, a paradise.

    Sorry, my American dream is gone.

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